Following on from my last blog on Pre-empting or side-stepping burnout (here), this month I will (i) explore how our relationships can either reduce or contribute to stress and burnout, and(ii) give you some practical tips to ensure that your relationships do more of the former.
Take a moment to consider the people around you – in your work and in your personal life. Do they help you cope with life’s stress, have neutral impact, or perhaps even contribute to your stress levels?
I often talk to clients about having a metaphorical “stress bucket” which fills up as we accumulate stress, and it can be a helpful way of thinking about overload. Depending on how strong or mentally resilient we are feeling, we may be able to carry that bucket with a smile or feel the weight of every last drop. Taking time to nurture our emotional, physical and other needs, through therapy and basic self-care, can help reduce the volume of stress we are carrying. But challenges arise and sometimes stress accumulates and slops over the edge, pushing us towards burnout.
As your stress bucket slops over, who notices? Who in your life is attuned to you, so that they sense your shifts in mood or spot subtle changes in your habits? In times of unusual difficulty, do your friends, partners, family and work colleagues pick up on it? Do they take the time to listen to you? Can they stay present to your feelings and respond in a way which provides what we call “emotional containment”. In other words, when you are with them do you generally feel held and protected, either emotionally or physically, when in distress? Or do they shut things down by changing the subject? Or do they simply ignore the signs altogether? As a Counsellor, I often work with people who would like to develop more nurturing and supportive relationships, where they lack a network of people that makes them feel safe.
Being social creatures means that when our stress buckets are full, we really benefit from “co-regulation”, which is a subtle mechanism modulated by our central nervous system which helps us recover from stress and come back from dysregulation more easily in the presence of another “safe” person. That is why a hug or kind word, from a safe person and at the right time, can be so impactful. It is part of what happens in therapy, when we go to the edge of distress, deliberately looking into your stress bucket, and explore it in the presence of a “safe” person in the form of the therapist.
By starting to notice the behaviours of the people around you, you can make choices about who is best placed to support you as you edge towards burnout. It also helps you to be more explicit about your own needs, so that you can ask for whatever it is that will best help you manage your stress bucket and avoid burnout.
Katherine Radcliffe is BACP-registered Counsellor. She works in Pimlico/Victoria (SW1) and Acton/Chiswick (W3) in person, and online.
For a free initial conversation about therapy, or for further information, contact her on: 07905 805 445 or katherine@radcliffetherapy.com or visit www.radcliffetherapy.com.
